party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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