Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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