So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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