I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
