The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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