miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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