bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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