life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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