so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
