How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
