not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
