Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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