Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We're too hungover to prance.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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