I feel great
I just peed on a car
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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