end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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