when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
