I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
