I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
