Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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