Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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