On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
