You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
