he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my being single is dangerous.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
