$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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