my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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