First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
