im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
