we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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