What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
