Me too!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
