I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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