thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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