I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
