I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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