batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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