When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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