I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
