Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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