you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
