screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
