i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
