You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
