chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
