I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We're too hungover to prance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize