tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
