Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
