I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This is the prime rib incident all over again
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The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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