My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
