the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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