tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
