I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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