Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
