it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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