I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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