You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
