whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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