I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
