My friends, they love my intelligence
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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